Tuesday, April 5, 2011

POST-MATURE BIRTH SYNDROME: THE SUBTLE CRIPPLER

Finally, an authentic breakthrough...

“I was never on time to anything,” Meredith Yolk recalls. “I was late every day to school  --every day for thirteen years! It was so embarrassing. I was late for my graduation, late for job interviews, always late to work. I even kept my husband waiting at the altar. It felt as though a clock inside me had been set wrong.”

Meredith Yolk is literally correct, for she is one of millions of Americans who suffer a malady totally unknown even five years ago, Post-Mature Birth Syndrome, or PBS. Its victims were born later than they should have been. A half-hour delay at birth becomes the half-hour of lateness that will haunt them the rest of their tragic lives.

According to Dr. Karl Mandrake, Chief Investigator at the respected Sloan-Smithson Institute in Albany, New York, approximately one in ten Americans suffers PBS. “And the tragedy,” says Dr. Mandrake, “is that most of its victims believe they have a personal shortcoming, not a disease.”

Dr. Mandrake goes on to explain this strange condition. “The normal human gestation period is nine months, with the child born at the minute and hour of conception. Although you may know that ten percent of us are born prematurely, you probably weren't aware that another ten percent are born a few minutes to several hours after the ideal delivery time. During this delay, the fetal brain secretes an abnormal hormone called ‘procrastinin.’ Once born, the poor person is perpetually tardy because procrastinin holds up his or her internal clock exactly the duration of birth lateness.”

The World Health Organization reported recently that post-maturity is unevenly distributed. For example, while it is virtually unknown in Scandinavia, some researchers claim to be able to smell procrastinin--so high is the level--throughout the American legal system. It is in post-maturity hotbeds such as this that scientists have isolated pure procrastinin for research purposes. Dr. Mandrake’s group even succeeded in creating antibodies to procrastinin, hoping to immunize PBS victims into punctuality. Unfortunately, all their experimental subjects died following the injection.
       
“You see,” explains Dr. Mandrake, “PBS shifts one’s entire time line such that our immunizations inadvertently left the subjects no time at all. At least we were able to console their families with the knowledge that a late birth means a late death: had our experiment not killed them, they actually would have died sooner.”

Of course, little of this discussion is useful to Meredith Yolk. “The worst thing about my PBS,” she complains, “is that we’ve been unable to have a child. My husband suffers from premature ejaculation, you see, and when you add his problem to mine, I think you can understand our distress. How can I get pregnant if he ejaculates before I even get home?”
       
Currently Meredith is undergoing behavior modification therapy at the Sloan-Smithson, where technicians deliberately postpone all activities to confer on their patients the illusion of punctuality. What is it like, finally, to feel on time? Meredith Yolk’s eyes well with tears. “I can’t believe it! I’m not late! Maybe one day I’ll lead a normal--even a useful--life.”

3 comments:

  1. This is a joke, right?

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  2. I'm not sure whether or not to believe this. I was born 24 days late. Definitely post-mature birth. I was always late to school and pretty much everything else my whole life. I have always had a hard time getting to sleep at night and no matter how much sleep I got, my parents literally had to drag me out of bed or pour water on me to get me to wake up most of the time.
    I have often wondered if there was a connection. It was either that or the over-dose of demerol I got because the doc administered it too late in delivery. Could also be the cord being wrapped around my neck a few times and the subsequent deprivation of oxygen. It's a miracle I survived, lol.

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  3. Is the posting a joke? Is it the Real Thing? Come now, is that a question you ask of network news programs?

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